PKU, Protein, and Pressure
Ifan’s Story: Masculinity and the Weight of Expectation
Have you heard of the Manosphere?
No, it’s not something in the stratosphere that’s parked next to the ozone layer. It’s a collection of ‘guys spaces’ online. Really weird guys, too. The misogynistic type. It’s the sort of primordial soup that toxic behaviours crawled out of.
I had a close encounter of the far-kind, and it did a number on my mental health regarding my PKU. I suppose I’ll share it, if you don’t mind.
But let’s rewind a bit first.
The mental effects of the diet
Hi, I’m Ifan, a film student from Wales. I have moderate PKU and have been successful enough with sapropterin (Kuvan) for me to continue with it. I’m vocal about my diet and through this have had plenty of help from friends and family over time. Hell, some of my friends can recite the breakdown for me at this point.
I’ve never struggled too much with my diet. It’s typically outside interference like school trips that made things go awry, but that's neither here nor there. What has affected me is the mental state the diet puts me in. The constant weighing and measure of every option before me. The anxiety of it.
This story begins last summer. A group of friends wanted to do something big to celebrate finishing A-levels and the premiere idea was a camping trip. Me and one of my friends were down with going so we packed up a tent and drove out to Tenby.
What happens when friends bulk up?
I’ve known my mate since we were both around 7, and we had both got places at different universities, so we were dedicated to making this summer a last hurrah for the ages. He had really gotten into bodybuilding as of late. Bulking, endless gym sessions and the whole shebang.
The funniest part of all this was the fact he was now also measuring his protein intake, but of course in a polar opposite way to me. Chicken salads, strange energy bars and protein milkshakes. He had an app where he tracked the labels of everything he ate. It was a funhouse mirror version of myself.
We got on about it. Joked frequently.
But there’s a moment that sticks out in my mind.
Is this what a "real man" eats?
It’s the second day of the trip. I’m speaking with my friend. Out of curiosity, I ask what he’s eating. He waves an oat bar under my nose. Bold text.
23g of protein.
My whole allowance in one meal. Not even that. A snack? And this is what a “real man” eats? Thoughts bubble up in the back of my mind. If I’m the opposite, then… Well, what exactly does that make me?
Figures stream through my mind. Weight readings at dietician check-ups. Average UK weight statistics. Keto dieting. Every angle, another way that I’m wrong, stunted genetically because of aspects out of my control.
I snap back to my current moment.
“Oh, mate. That’s funny. S’like my entire allowance in one go.”
The effects can be a slow burn
We chew the fat about it. I don’t think he quite clocks how strange the concept is to me.
Fast-forwards to around September, about a week before I depart for university. I’m in Cardiff for a meeting with my dietician.
It all comes out.
I talk about the anxieties I was feeling about my weight and diet. How it seemed the world was becoming increasingly focused on these sorts of subjects in masculine spaces, how a lot of the students my age were talking about their gym gains and high-protein diets — and the demoralising effect it had on me.
This wave of the manosphere had died down, but the effects were still only receding.
I was reassured. It’s a good thing to be concerned for your weight, but I wasn’t in a bad place. There were actions that could be taken to help, plus a new chapter with university life just around the corner. I was given resources to help me. Recommendations on how to lose weight while on diet if wanted. Dieticians knew a lot about food, who could’ve guessed?
Diet Anxiety is a scary thing
I’m glad to say that I’ve actually dropped weight recently and the move to university has done wonders to this part of my self-esteem. Managing PKU with the resources provided by the cafeterias on site and the general nature of their vegetarian options is a great boon, and I’ve even met someone on the same course with the condition!
Diet anxiety is a scary thing, especially when you can feel powerless in the macro of it all. I never cut that friend out, but certainly removing myself from discussions of that nature helped me. Simply reminding yourself that your diet isn’t everything and that there are other aspects to you is a strong method of self-reassurance.
Also, screw toxic expectations
Pauline
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